Late Nights, I Want A New Phone

Today was an okay day. I woke up on time (sort of) for my early morning class and the rest of the day was a bludge. There was a fathers' day mass at school which was good since I later got to catch up with some friends I haven't seen in a while. Last period was SOR where I did nothing. The teacher should really control the class since I believe she has the potential to be a great teacher, like many of the teachers at my school. For sport, I was extremely active. I went to chess and just watched video clips from youtube, listened to music, and got addicted to bloons tower again. I'm currently playing bloons tower 4 and i should get some sleep. My sleeping pattern is so bad right now. I've been sleeping at 2am every night (or morning) and that means I get exhausted throughout the day at school. Tonight, I wasn't expecting to stay up this late (1.23am) since I started playing at 10pm. I thought I would finish by midnight but I got too hooked on. Tomorrow the school has a walk a thon and it'll be a great end to the week since I will be going to UNSW open day on saturday. I can't wait since UTS has an awesome open day. I also have tutoring this weekend which sucks since I don't want to tell them my results.. they're horrible!

Onto another issue, I want a new phone. My current phone, a nokia e5 is becoming quite outdated since I really do depend on the internet as my life (not really). When I bought an iphone 4s, it was amazing and I was really hooked with the idea that I could plan my life out on there (thoughts, ideas, events, etc). The thing is, I had it for a month and I lost it. It's so sad but since I had insurance, they covered the price of it. How it worked is that they find a price (usually a price between the original price and market price, as in from ebay, etc) and they minus $200 from that price which is the money I get back. I received $700 since the price for them was $900. It was awesome in that sense that I paid $720 for the iphone at the time. I'm waiting for the lasted iphone to come out since it should be amazing! According to rumors, it should be called the iphone 5 and will have a longer (or taller) screen since making it 4inches, not the current 3.5inch. However, as it is only a rumor we can only hope that they do increase the screen size. I have thought about getting a samsung, the s3, but i don't know since I do have a mac and the apple software is much more simple and easy to use. The samsung software however, requires me to adapt and learn how the samsung ecosystem works, which totally sucks. I will wait until the next iphone comes out before I make my decision. It may not be until christmas that I get my next phone since I know prices will drop after christmas since there will be unwanted gifts and the fact that many new phones SHOULD be released then.

I hope you all have a great sleep and a wonderful day tomorrow. If you want, please comment since I haven't had my first comment yet!

Moving On

I've been in the pits for the past day or two. I just feel so alone right now. I wish I could just have the one person who I can tell everything to, even the dark stuff. The harassment that I get from school isn't bad but it's horrible when you're the captain (yes, I got school captain) and you have no support. To be technical, I do have support but it's not the type that I can wholly rely on. I had a really long and personal (deep and meaning in other words) talk with my friend about the reason he did not get captain. The school did tell him that it was because of his faith and that just makes me getting my role as captain so insignificant. I really want to just pick up my game and do my best but i'm finding it so difficult to concentrate on anything. My thoughts are elsewhere and I do hope it motivates me to study and do my best in all I do. My first primary school motto, Aim High, has stuck with me over the years. I hope I do the best I can in life. I want to achieve to much, I want to be so many things, and there is so much I want to do. It has been a while since I've been happy for a period of time (longer than that brief moment of happiness) and truthfully so, I've been so lost. Maybe it was because I lost direction in life. Maybe not. I need to have some goals for the future or else I might go back to my dark, sinister self. I sort of cried today. I think I just needed to let my emotions out. It's so difficult to put up my facade when all I can think about is myself. I need this self-affirmation, this self-satisfaction, this.. sense of an increase in self esteem and confidence. One day in the future, I want to look back on these times and say how much I've grown since then. I need to stop being lazy and push myself to excel. I don't think i'm going into my emotional state since I am now stronger than I was before. It's 9.14pm (AEST) right now so goodnight to you all.

Good Time

A Whole Load of Everything

That song by Owl City and Carly Ray Jepsen is actually addictive. I've always loved Owl's sound, especially how he's always true to himself. I felt that the song sort of summed up how i'm feeling today, especially since I had some really good news but also, my mindset and feelings have changed. Times are always changing as change is inevitable. My sayings that really stick with me are:

Change is a constant in life.
There is no such thing as coincidence, only the inevitable.
Everything we do has a meaning, may it be big or small.
Life gets better.
There is always hope, but it tends not to come the way we expect.

And some other mumbo-jumbo.

Right now i'm feeling so defeated, even though I won. I just feel like I won't ever be able to do anything or achieve anything, unless someone is spoon feeding me. It do wish I had my naive mindset but maybe it's a time of maturity. I've come to accept the truth and not fight it. As a person in this consumerist and materialistic society, I've always been understanding. The thing is, it often meant that I'm not accepting and quite stubborn, another trait which I don't particularly dislike. I really don't feel like I want to change, or can change, but some where deep inside my heart is telling me that I want to achieve, I want to be successful, I want to be the best I can be. It's such a long and difficult track, not for me but for everyone else as well. In some way or another, we experience pain, suffering, joy, love, fulfillment - aspects of what we can label the 'human condition.' Life is so beauty yet there is this darkness in there. I believe that it's impossible for everything to be pure and perfect, yet some people believe it is so because we can't change anything because it was meant to be. Ignorance is a tool that some use or subconsciously use to fool and blind themselves from the truth. They take the meanings literally or figuratively making it difficult to fully understand and control them.

I feel like i've just been rambling on but my head (thoughts) is/are in such a mess right now.

Blog Views

Back to what I planned to write about. I actually do care about my blog views. Every time I log into blogger and check my views, I see that I have so little. I do want more views but I guess I'm not actually promoting my blog and some of the content is highly controversial in the sense that it could definitely spark a debate. I don't think I'll have my time to blog in the future but I guess this is my space for all my thoughts.

I don't know what else to write so I guess it's time to say goodnight and goodbye.

Update 1: I also wanted to mention that you should definitely leave comments. I really want to talk to the people who read my blog, even if I barely have any at all.

It Hates Me

I was working on my assignment since my last post. I felt really productive and i did quite a lot. The thing is, it's such a long assignment that i'm close to half way. There's so much research to be done and I can't believe I haven't finished my first draft. *inserts carly ray jepsen - call me maybe: THIS IS CRAAAAZY*

I stopped about 15 minutes ago since the library was about to close. I would have stayed longer if it didn't close at 5pm. I'm currently at the internet cafe now.. which i shouldn't be. I hope that i do finish it tonight, editing included. I'm not sure if i'll be able to send it to my teacher but i guess she can check it tomorrow.

I'm really hungry since i don't have money. I stopped working and recently i've started eating less, not eating healthily. I guess ever since i got sick and lost weight, i wanted to stay that way. I use to binge on fatty foods often but now I don't, except on nights that I do all-nighters.

It's 5.34pm now, time to go back home.

The World Spins Round and Round

Today I am at the State Library of NSW which is a fantastic place to study and relax. I really enjoy coming here since there it feels so tranquil and so wonderful. Right now, I am working on my assignment which is due tomorrow. I have asked one of my teachers if they were willing to proof read it before I handed it in tomorrow and she agreed, thankfully. Coffee does not mesh well with me in the mornings but I really do hope I can finish a draft soon so I can send it to her. I really do appreciate her help as my current teacher is quite lazy. I guess I am trying to make a stance by saying that I don't need her help and I can achieve a good result in comparison to the people that have asked her for her help. This really applies to my friend as we both completed a draft our last assessment (we were given the question in advance) in the morning of the exam and he did extremely well. I got 16/20 where as he got 19/20. It's quite funny as both of us have the same differences with my current teacher.

I should get back to finishing my assessment now. I just wanted to let you know what's happening today as well as the fact that I felt really light-headed just before I decided to write this post. I hope you all have a wonderful as I am too.

Also, right now it's good afternoon! (11.43am, AEST).

Not Blogging Results In A Recap

I have posted anything in 3 days. I guess it has been a busy week with the leaders for my school's SRC being chosen. I have received more english assessments which totally sucks since I have 4 in total coming up.

UTS OPEN DAY!

Today I went the the open day for UTS (university of technology sydney) which was really informative. I actually understand now how some of the basics of university and I am grateful for the tour guide who explained it all to me. There was free food and other goodies that encouraged a lot of people to go but also, the lectures were actually interesting and informative but I am still yet to make some sort of decision about what university I will be going to. I have not even decided which career path or course I want to do but I hope that in time, I will be able to make that decision.

Why Hello There

The past school week was interesting. The guy I was crushing on before has come back to school for a day but he's been away for the 2 days after. It's not good that he's only at school for 1/5 days since the government say that if you're away for 10 days unannounced, they are supposed to kick you out of the school. Good for him though.

Excuses Are For Children

I have an assignment due on monday for business studies which requires a lot of research, in particular, time. I'm sure I'll do well since I am basing it off a past assessment which makes a few things easier. To be honest, my teacher for that subject is not good at all. She's better than the other teacher but that still does not explain the reasons for why I would label her a bad teacher. To rant, she is often late for class and expects us to wait in line for her, even if she's late for up to 40 minutes. She is a year coordinator but she can't expect us to take that into consideration if she cannot take our circumstances into consideration. It's about giving and taking. There has to be a balance and this is where karma comes in. Other things is that she is behind with what she's supposed to teach. Although the assignment is due on monday, she is yet to teach us the content for it. A few lessons ago she made us summarise 1/13 chapters of the book in one night because we were behind. She gave our detentions and warnings yet she can't even mark an assessment which was given to her 8 weeks ago. Fine, there were 40 or so to mark but that just shows how unorganised she is by making those excuses.

I Am Your Leader

I can't wait for the results of the leadership to be announced since my intuition is telling me that I got school captain, not vice. Though, there is some doubt where I feel that I may not have gotten the role. I guess all my aspirations, hope and dedication will be thrown down the drain if that happened. If I was vice, i'd just let the captain do what he wants, not pushing for anything of my own. In all truth, I have put the effort in since I was younger by taking the initiatives for a lot of events at school. It may seem like i'm bragging but I definitely made the school's reputation a lot better. I organised many fundraisers for my school, I started different school initiatives such as a leadership group and also introducing an environmental group. In comparison to my "enemy," I did a lot of the "backbone" work where he only contributed by helping me. There reasons that I think that he might get the role over me is that he has more support from the students. Ever since an initiative that I took control of was ruined by a few students who wanted to do things their way, I was the obvious choice to get the role. I really do hope that I get it.

My Excuse

I really should be posting daily but my excuse is that for the past 2/3 days, my brain has felt utterly used up by the time I got home. I then just napped which didn't anything to help. I really wish I was more organised so that I'd be able to achieve much more. Time is short and opportunities are wasted if you do nothing. I need to actually complete my assignment since I've only done 1/4 of it so far. I'm at 1000 words but I don't think I will exceed 4000 since some aspects of it are mainly tables and diagrams (finance/marketing).

Today, I Love Sia, Is Life Procrastination

Expectations

I have been so lazy this year. I've always left my assessments until the last minute and I wonder why I'm not getting the marks that I used. I keep blaming myself as well as my peers and teachers but it comes down to myself. An assignment is due tomorrow and I have yet to start it.

I expect so much more out of myself, and I believe others do too. I really want to just work do what I have to do and get it over and done with. My marks in the past were extremely good: I was placing 2nd/3rd each year. Maybe because I was conceited or cocky, but I honestly did not put in the effort. If I did, I believe that I would have done so much better.

In Australia, each subject is worth units with most worth 2 units where the extension subjects are worth 1 unit. In year 11, we have to have a combined minimum of 12 units and in year 12, we only need 10 to be applicable fo an atar. I currently have 13 and am thinking of picking up an extension and then dropping to 10 units. This has been on my mind all year and I am yet to make a decision. I'm really indecisive you see. The typical question that pops up in my head right now is why can't life be easier. I could get into a debate in my head if I wanted to...

Music: David Guetta feat. Sia - She Wolf (Falling to Pieces)

I am honestly in love with Sia's music. My friend reintroduced me to her 2 years ago and when Titanium was released, I fell in love with her even more. Unlike many "pop" artists, when she's live, she sounds just like the record, not some autotune version of it. Honestly speaking, I don't mind that some artists can't sing their song live. It would be better if they could but I'm just happy they're doing what they love, and releasing "good" music (to my tastes).

Sia's latest song as you can see from the heading, is another smash. It is similar to titanium in the sense that it's got the awesome beat by Guetta and the perfect vocals by Sia. I will put the link below but I honestly love that this isn't a mainstream song about drinking/partying/drugs with little or no meaning. I don't want to think about it right now but I can tell that there's some meaning behind this song; it's written by Sia!

I hope they continue to collaborate on more songs together because they are a perfect combination; Guetta's addictive beats and Sia's perfect vocals.

Here's the link which you can stream the song online. You can buy it too but I would buying it from iTunes if it is out.

http://www.themusicninja.com/electro-house-david-guetta-ft-sia-she-wolf-falling-to-pieces/

Today, not tonight

Life-Hook

Today, I have my deep and meaningful with my closest friend. I love how I can tell him everything. I don't know what I'd do without him. For me, it's people like him that help me want to keep living. I was in the slumps and each time he gives me advice and gets me out of there. He's truly an amazing person.

Math

Today was one of those math-controlled days. I had a math exam this morning and I know that I failed. Since it's an extension, it's expected that the class average is around 40-50% since the exams are extremely difficult, possibly harder than the HSC. I just hope i'm not in the bottom percentage where letters are sent home. I honestly did not study for the exam since I was too lazy and tired yesterday.

NTS: I need to pick up my game. Prioritise = Success. (maybe not?)

Assessments = Procrastination = All-nighters

I going to have a nap now since I have an assessment due tomorrow. I hope that I will be able to do an all-nighter and finish my assessment. I will have to start and finish overnight so this nap/half-sleep (4 hours) will hopefully be able to keep me up.

Hopes and aspirations are a fancy way of saying "what is your plan"

If i'm bothered, I'm thinking of being more organised with my posts. I am currently experimenting on a format I will try to stick with for my posts but I don't have to. I know the reason I started this blog was to just express my thoughts but I want this blog to be successful and people, I believe, like stability and like to know. Once all my exams are over, which is in 4 weeks, I will have something planned. I know it's a month away but I hope that I will be regularly posting new posts.

NTS: make a technology post. (I don't think I will be reading over my past posts for a while...)

Scum and Everyday Stuff

Harassment by a pig

There is this one fat, ugly scum at my school who, because he smokes and is larger than me, thinks he can harass me. My intuition is telling me to stand up for myself but I can't since I know that he would probably bash me, or worse, call him cousins/friends to bash me. It's really frustrating and it's people like him that make me hate my school. It's changing my view of my school - I consider a majority of the people at my school scum (scumbags, whatever you want to call them). I just hope that it stops. He's been trying to go overseas, which I can't wait to happen, but he can't due to some issues that I don't know. He's also supposed to be leaving school (dropping out) but he can't for some reason or another. I'd probably celebrate if it ever happened.

One thing i'm sure of is that I know that I'll at least have one friend who'd stand by me, even though we aren't as close. My other friend, who I'm fairly close to since we have similar interests and tastes, wouldn't do the same. I've given up finding out why. I don't think it's worth out. I guess that shows the kind of friendships I have. I am the clingy type so I guess whatever goes, goes.

What happened today...

I woke up early today and got a haircut. I really liked it since it makes my head look less round (like a tomato) and the styling was good too. I just had a shower and it looks completely different. I need to learn to style my own hair or else I won't be cool (JOKES).

After my haircut I went to a local internet cafe (yes, maybe I should live in one) and I overstayed meaning that I was late for tutoring. That totally sucked since it meant that I wouldn't be able to stay out late when I get to the city, which happened. I just missed the early (usual) train to the city so I had to wait half an hour. I did some revision while waiting and also on the train. As usual, I felt a bit light-headed and couldn't think very well (fast).

Once I got to the city, I bought some sushi (beef teriyaki and ebi prawn) and a 1.5L of coke. I made my way to the internet cafe and stayed for a while, not as much as I liked to. It was.. relaxing.

I went home via train which arrived on time and I caught the bus shortly after I got off at my stop. It usually takes about 5-20 mins for the buses to arrive but luckily it came in 2 mins. It was just my luck. When I arrived home, I had leftover sausage sizzle from breakfast so that was dinner. My parents were out with my aunty for dinner so I asked them to buy me deep fried pork chops with curry and rice from a nice and cheap japanese restaurant we often go to. You can probably tell I love japanese food. What I love the most though is Italian food.

NTS: write a post about Italian food.

Infatuation and Age

I've been trying to sleep but I just can't at this moment. There have been so really attractive guys at my school and I can't stop thinking about them.

A while ago one moved to my school from another state and I was so infatuated with him. I was stalking his photos, posts and friends. I used to check his facebook out every day. It stopped when I realised the type of person he was. We never talked so it didn't really affect the relationship we didn't have. The realisation occurred when I found out he livestreamed with an aspiring singer-friend of his. He received a lot of attention due to his looks but when i watched the replay of the livesteam, I just felt disgust towards him. He was the typical womaniser who are the type of jerks I can't help but dislike. I used to be like hin so I guess it just made me dislike him even more.

That episode was over and recently, a younger guy approached me. I was putting up my facade and as I walked past him, he was licking his big red lips. It was really hot. I walked on however, with my emotion-less face and the day ended as usual. A few days later I was waiting in line for my teacher to come to class. Whilst I was waiting, I was playing cards with my friends and he came over and whispered in my ear what cards my friend had. His friends did the same thing but it didn't help since they told me useless cards. It kind of made my day since I think it's the first time anyone has ever whispered so closely in my ear.

However, there are a few concerns. Firstly, we're both guys and I don't even know his stance against homosexuals. Secondly, he's 3 grades younger than me making him around 14. He's rather mature looking though. Finally, he doesn't even know my name or who I am. It just makes it worse.

I know it's not love since i'm only deeply infatuated with him. He's probably classified as a "mcDreamy" and I would be the typical infatuated one, even though i'm older.

I guess I could write about my delusions here. It's a head-ups by the way so be warned!!

Public Transport, Dinner and Daily Routines

Studying = Headaches

I caught the train home from the internet cafe and decided to do some math problems (You see, I have a math exam on monday) which was not the best idea. After doing 7 basic questions, my head started hurting. It often occurs whilst I'm travelling. I can't read books in the car yet I can on the train. My head felt so foggy and when I got home I did absolutely no study.

Dinner = Vomit

We went out for dinner a bit after and I ate quite a lot. Adding dessert to that wasn't a good idea. I went to the washroom to wash my hands (at times, i'm quite the clean freak) and maybe it was the putrid urinal smell or the like but I slightly threw up the banana frittata. That reminded me of this morning where after I brushed my teeth, I started regurgitating but since I hadn't eaten yet, all that came out was saliva. I was recently sick and I think my body wasn't used to me eating so much. I lost some weight which is good (i'm been gorging on fatty foods since I had exams) and everything just seemed to connect.

Last words...

I guess I should be going to sleep now. I need to wake up early and get a haircut tomorrow. I've also got tutoring on so it's going to be an exciting day. I honestly do not know what style to get my hair cut. I often just tell them to shorten it but I guess I want a new style.

It's 11.17pm in Australia right now so I will be going to bed now. I hope you all have a great sleep, especially if it's raining where you are. I will post more tomorrow!

Leadership

Good evening from Australia.

I was hoping to post something earlier but since i'm only using a nokia E5, blogger via mobile isn't working for me.

Today i should be studying for my math exam on monday as well as preparing for my speech for a role in the SRC but I am currently out at an internet cafe playing LOL (League of Legends).

I am not excited since I have preliminary/end of course exams coming up since that means that I will be starting my final year of high school next term.

Leadership

What makes a good leader? Who is a leader?

We can say that a leader is this and that but really, what defines a leader? In business studies, we learnt that a leader motivates, leads, inspires and communicates.But is that all there really is to it? I guess that those four words branch off into different aspects of a leader but one thing for me is that a leader stands up for what they believe in. This makes everyone of us leaders in some way or another.

Leadership is a quality that is often difficult to obtain. I think it's something that we develop over time through our experiences may they be good or bad. Ever since I was younger, I would always like to take the lead. This may have been my ego but I enjoyed being the centre of attention. In a way, this developed my leadership skills and today, I still like to be the centre of attention, only when I'm around my friends.

In more recent times, I've been rather anti-social and disliked being around so many people with prying eyes. It's different in comparison to my younger days when I would ignore what people thought about me and I just didn't have a care in the world. This was when I realised that those that I thought were my friends were actually just selfish, attention-seeking low lives. Eventually, this developed into a disgust I had for those around me. I'm quite attentive to detail and this just made trust a bigger issue for me than it already was. I started calling everyone "scum" and "filth," degrading and dehumanising them in the way they were perceived in my eyes.

This is where I am at today. I am at a crossroad but I know what the right thing is. I just don't want to choose that option. But although that is currently an aspect of my life, I still have the "goodness" inside of me that yearns to do right, correcting all the wrong in the world. It might just be my the ambition of my younger self where I wanted to be some superhero and help all the people in the world. This has changed now. I am currently quite materialistic and a consumerist. Life as it know it is flashing by and I am just sitting back and delving in my past, present and future.

I've ranted on for quite a while and these thoughts aren't that edited, well, I haven't edited anything at all. I hope you are all enjoying your weekend, and like me, yearning for those answers which you seek, yet you don't know what you really want. I hope that I have given some sort of insight into my thoughts today and I might post something later tonight.

NTS (note to self): I'm not sure if anyone is reading this or not but I guess this is my space where I can just throw out my thoughts. If you have any questions, please comment and I will try to reply ASAP.

Introduction to Styvich Thoughts

Hi everyone,

It's my first post and I hope that I will be constantly updating this blog with my spontaneous thoughts.

Just a heads up that Allen Styvich is a pen name but i'm not much of a writer - I will try though.

About me...

I'm not going to go into the specifics about me but you could say i'm one of those cliche guys who don't know who they are. You could say i've been through a lot with my depression but more recently, the questioning of my sexuality. I really do want to be "normal" but i guess that's how life is. We are always in constant search for answers, desiring what cannot be obtained. However, this was not the cause of my depression yet it had an effect on it.

Onto the more simple things:

• I live in sydney, Australia.
• I'm still in high school (u18)
• I'm very opinionated - rude at times if you will
• I watch japanese anime/read japanese manga
• I enjoy reading "good" books
• I hate people who have a big ego (even though i may have a bigger one if i say so myself)
• I love rainy days, hate the HOT sunny days (i'm a warm person, temperature wise)
• I listen to mainstream music
• I wear glasses (and i'm of asian descent: chinese)
• I love italian food
• I want to become rich and successful in the future (don't we all)

Conclusion

That just about summarises me in a few lines. I will keep updating this blog, even if it's unorganised and boring. In sydney right now it's almost 2 in the morning (1:42am). So i say to anyone that may/may not be reading this, good night and good morning.