Yes, Fuck You

Today was quite a wild day. It was a long day with good aspects to it though, there were also some which I'd rather not have happened. I went out with my friends today, the typical day where we just went to the city, ate and played around. What really put me off today was then when I said that I would go into a store for no longer than 2 mins (which I only went in for 1 min), they ditched me and left me there. I was so frustrated at my friend that I was thinking of just going home. I just couldn't believe how selfish and immature that was of her. Of course I know that I should be the one who shouldn't have gone in the first place but the fact that she just left me on my own really ticked me off. I know that they knew I was really pissed off. I just hope that they learnt their lesson - i'm a self-centred motherfucker thank you very much. On the bright side, I met one of my friend's unofficial girlfriend. They were quite cute together and were really shy about being together. They haven't even discussed anything beyond going on a date. I wish them all the best.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this but I am currently on holidays. I really want to just sit back and study but i'm not sure how successful I will be at taking the first step to doing so. There's so much running through my head right now but I don't feel like doing anything. It's been a long day and if I bother, I will add more to this post later on today. I hope you all have a great sleep. Good night!

The Past Samsung Galaxy S3

All day I have done nothing. I spent most of my time watching anime and also preparing for upcoming events. More importantly, I spent my day searching for a samsung galaxy s3 to buy. After all these days of searching, I finally found one at the right price. It took me a while but although it wasn't what I was looking for exactly, it was close. At this point in time, the phones are selling for $520 for a 16gb, brand new in box (BNIB). You can get it for that price at kogan.com.au. However, I could have got it for $550 a few months ago. To compensate, I wanted it for a cheap price. A really cheap price. I found it at gumtree.com.au where a person was selling it for $400. He offered me $380 thank goodness. The catch is, I won't get the phone for another week to two weeks and, I have to pay by bank deposit, right now. It really sucks since if he's lying, I lose all that. I don't think there's any insurance of scams/frauds. He said that we will meet in person so I will get his contact details and bank details before I deposit the money. I pray that this is not a scam because there was a great deal that I missed out on already. I honestly do wish that the iphone 5 was much better so that I would be convinced to spend money for something that is absurdly overpriced (not really seeing as it is seen as a "luxury item" and they pay a lot for the branding).

Samsung Galaxy S3

I forgot to mention that it's holidays right now. I decided that I would spend my day cleaning my room and begin reading a book but I did none of that. Tomorrow, well, today, I will be going out with friends which I am looking forward to because I really do miss my friend. He is one of the people that keep me standing and since I have trust issues, i'm starting to doubt him since our friend told me that he only invited me so it wouldn't be boring. What kind of excuse is that? I've been feeling quite low/in the pits recently so I don't want to doubt him. I want to make my own decisions, not based on preconceived ideas. I just hope that he feels the same way I do. I guess this may be the right opportunity to tell you how I met him, as well as a little into my past.

The past

When I was younger, I was extremely addicted to online games, MMORPG (massive multiplayer online role playing game). I began to realise the cause of the addiction and it was escapism. Since about the age of 11, I was depressed and then, I considered myself an "emo" - someone who is emotionally. At the time however, there were negative connotations. Emos usually cut their wrists and dressed in black with a fringe that covered their eyes. I was like that. I had a fringe that covered my eye and in all honesty, I wanted to cut myself, to erase the pain away. Though, I could bring myself to do it. As always, I've always been too chicken. The years went on and playing games really helped me escape from the reality I lived in. At the time, I was quite popular at school. I was a rebel and still, am strongly opinionated (even though my choices are often easily influenced). This made of one of the cool guys but as time went on, my ignorance got the better of me. I was treating people as if they were lower life forms than me and it really started to show when I needed someone to turn to, and I had no one. I was all alone and depressed. During several instances, I met people online. One of these times I met a guy who I sort of fell for. He was cool, charming and really "nice." Once I met him. As I often base my judgments of how people look, I started to turn away and ignore the guy. I felt sorry for myself for being so stupid and ignorant. It was however, all about me. Then it came to this instance where I was playing a game and most people in this "guild" (group of players) became really close. We all added each other on facebook, msn and whatnot but I was particular fond of, well, attached of this one guy. He was also really cool and unlike the other time, I knew what he looked like. He was quite cute and really good at games. We often talked though I mainly clung onto him. One day I mustered up the courage to tell him that he was my best friend, even though I knew that he felt otherwise. I needed someone to help me stand, and he did. Through my delusions and self-absorption, I was able to make myself think that I had someone who cared and needed me. This was all happened mostly when I was 14. Now, at the age of 16, I finally got over my depression. After all these years, all the suffering and pain I went through, it came to an end. How? I was watching the news once and they were promoting a cause about depression in men in particular. The one thing that struct me was when he said, "sometimes it's okay to be depressed" and at the instance, I felt my troubles slowly fade away. I was so relieved. At this moment however, I have no confidence. I have trust issues. But, I am no longer how I used to be, all depressed and self-centred. I am still lost though, I don't know what I'm doing and where I'm meant to go. I'm just living life one day at a time.

Thanks for reading this if you do. I hope that I have shed some light onto my past in which it might help you in some way. Feel free to ask me anything (nearly).

Apple Fanboys

It's been a while since I have actually posted anything. I've been extremely busy with the last week of school as I have had another two assessments, right after my preliminary exam block. I honestly wish I had a bit more time to study and prepare for them though. Today however, you guys are in for a treat. Sort of. Well, I read a post earlier today which really blew my mind away. I loved how a fellow Apple fanboy came up with these amazing concepts, and even brought them to life. He made a video describing his thoughts and ideas which really bring out just that tiny bit more of Apple awesomeness. In my letter below, I have included a link to his post. I hope you enjoy reading it.


Hi Apple,

I have been a loyal fan of yours ever since you have revolutionised mobile phones into what they have become today: smart phones. I have been following the rumour mill regarding the iPhone 5 ever since supposed leaks and rumours arose in late May. Since then, I have heard the wildest and not so wild rumours about a taller screen, new pin connector, a new rear casing and a behemoth of other rumours. However, what disappointed me as a "fanboy" of Apple as some would call it, is that most of these turned out to be true. One thing I was proud of Apple for was that your ability to surprise and shock the world with the next big thing. I'm not saying that the iPhone 5 is not amazing but for me, it's not amazing enough. It was similar to the iPhone 4s where the change from the 4 to 4s was minute. Likewise, the change from the 4s to 5 was also minute. I had high expectations for Apple and I have to say, you disappointed me. I hope you prove me wrong by coming out with a product that revolutionises the smart phone industry, not evolve the product.

The main reason I decided to write to you today was that I wanted to share a post I came across. The link I included below describes another fanboy of Apple's thoughts and feelings as to what could make the iPhone 5 just that much more amazing. How you may ask? Spotlight. The attention to detail and the incredible concepts that a fellow fanboy describes in his post truly are worth considering when preparing for the next major software update. I would love for Apple to take on board some of these ideas as they blew my mind away when I first looked at them.

Link: http://codysan.me/ios-spotlight-overhaul/

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I take no credit to the amazing concepts that the fellow fanboy came up with and I hope that I have been able to help you in any way by referring you to him.

Unorganised Excuses

So it's nearly the end of the schooling term and I've still got assessments on, even though I have just finish my examination block for the preliminary course. Some subjects are utterly unorganised at my school. I dread seeing the subject co ordinator since I know that it will only make me hate her more. She's such a bitch and I can't stand how she gives close to no shit about the students. It's one thing to not care about the students and it's also one thing to not be able to do your job. As the co ordinator, she should be trying to help the students out as much as possible, and also make sure everything flows somewhat smoothly. Ever since she came, assessments have been crammed into small short periods of time and the marks and weighting do no weigh up properly. I honestly question her integrity even as a teacher as my informants (aka friends) from her class tell me how useless she is. I know english is one of those subjects where it's difficult to teach as catering for everyone's needs is quite a difficult task. But for her to be unable to organise the assessment schedule and other required information for us is unacceptable. I know that I should put some blame on my actual teacher but I know that she has tried her best in her own way. She's not used to how our school operates as she is fairly new at my school. However, it's still not an excuse to not do her job properly and I can (want to) attribute that fault all to the co ordinator. She irritates me with her inability to nicely approach the students studying the courses, which is the whole school. I honestly hope that she does get her act together or leave as soon as possible. It will only lead to the downfall of our school's english department which is already looked down upon by the english co ordinator.

Mobile Phones: iPhone 5 vs Samsung S3

So as you know, the iPhone 5 was unveiled recently in conjunction with the new dock connector and earpods, and other Apple product changes such as the iPod and iPod Touch. For a long time now, I've been extremely excited about Apple's upcoming release. It was one of the last things Steve Jobs worked on and I have to say, i'm disappointed. One thing I can say however, is that it was definitely somewhat of an improvement to the iPhone 4s.

As an fanboy of Apple, I've been quite supportive of them, especially with the billion dollar case against Samsung. I've made my point to friends in particular, arguing that although Samsung is not my preference, it is definitely on par with Apple in respect to the flagship phones they have released. One aspect that Apple has clearly beat Samsung in is their operating system's (OS) ecosystem. Apple's ecosystem, iOS, is quite large and stable. It's an efficient system that is secure but also simple. Samsung however, uses Android. Over the past years, it hasn't significantly improved is it's latest software is Jelly Bean aka Andriod 4.1. Samsung's flaw however, is the fragmentation of their OS. Apple releases a phone every year or so whilst Samsung releases a range of phones. By doing so, it is difficult to keep all the phones up to date running the same software. What this means for consumers is that some phones will have software that is 3 years old whilst others have the latest software. Even now, the Galaxy S3 is using software that is (almost) a year old. The latest Android OS is already out and the S3 is not reaping the rewards of using Jelly Bean. Even when it does get updated, it will take a while where providers have to approve of the update and some other stuff before actually releasing the update. It's quite a hassel. By the time the update is ready to go and released, another version will already be in the making and released very soon after that. At the moment, Andriod is currently fragmented into 3 main versions: Gingerbread (2010), Ice Cream Sandwich (2011) and Jelly Bean (2012). iOS differs from this as it has a universal update for every phone, no matter which generation, at the same time it is released. Currently, most phones run the last software because it includes enhancements and new features otherwise unavailable to the old software. Apple is preparing for a major software update across all phones soon and this will mean that most phones will be updated. You could argue however that Samsung has many products where Apple only has a few. But at the end of the day, you will have unhappy customers whether you do things right or wrong.

I think I went off track but I hope you get my point. Apple definitely has the key ingredients to have close to what they want - dominance in the smartphone industry by both market share and profit. They have the profit aspect but dominance in market share is extremely difficult. A reason for this is the pricing of their products. They make an extremely high profit off each phone they make. It only costs about $200 for all the parts in total and they're selling it for $799-$999, even though the increase in size only costs about $30 RRP.

Apple definitely made a good move hiring Steve Jobs back but it's unfortunate that he passed away since I can only foresee Apple's downfall. Tim Cook is not Steve Jobs. They've got different values, ideals and aspirations. Apple's success can solely be attributed to Steve. He did an amazing job with his attention to detail and innovation. Apples new direction may somehow bring more prosperity but at this point, I see no reason to believe they will. One of the major flaws of Tim Cook's leadership of Apple is the leaking of Apple's parts and other information before the actual product was revealed. It was around June and after where I first caught wind of a 4 inch screen, a new dock connector and a new back case. I'm extremely unhappy that it was leaked because I was expecting, in words of some technology post I read, Apple to revolutionise the iphone 5, not evolve it. Anyone can do that.

My dilemma here is that I need a new phone. I'm using a Nokia E5 which was released in late 2010. It's an old phone and I definitely need a smartphone such as the Samsung Galaxy S3 or iPhone 5 because of all the features it has. It definitely would benefit me greatly as I need something that I can depend on to organise my life, which for me, a phone does better than a diary. I've tried using a diary but it was too small or too bulky to take everywhere with me. The reason I'm so tempted to actually buy an Apple product is because I use a Mac and it'd be perfect since my family uses iphones and it's a lot more convenient since iOS fits so well. The reason that i'm not set on getting now is because it's not going to be worth my money. Right now, I can purchase a Samsung Galaxy S3 16gb internal + 64gb external for a total of $600 which is $50 more than an iPhone 4s 64gb. The iPhone 5 64gb however, will cost $899 and in my opinion, it's not really worth the extra $299. I would be happy if I could get the iPhone 5 at around $800 but I know there is no chance of that until after Christmas, when there will be an increase in unwanted gifts meaning the price will drop. However, I do want a phone now. After losing my iphone 4s in March and getting the money back through insurance, I do think it's time. Right now, I wouldn't mind getting a S3 but I'll wait and make a decision within the next month.

I hope you guys aren't as indecisive as me when it comes to buying a phone.

So Called Friends

Year 7s

So it's not a surprise to me that i'm getting harassed. This year 7 kid keeps calling me "gay" and "fag" and I guess it's affecting me because people around me, well, people in general, are judgmental. I need to approach him and tell him to stop but my pride is getting in the way. I want to be forceful and serious by threatening him but I know he has issues at home. I know that his relationship with his parents isn't the typical "normal" sort. He often gets physically punished by his parents whenever he does something wrong. He's quite afraid of his Dad i'm sure. I guess that's how I'll have to deal with him however I can see him being an idiot and say "I don't care" or running off and telling some what I said getting me into trouble. Sometimes I wonder why all this shit happens to me but I guess I just think back to my core belief regarding the issue: everything happens for a reason and it was meant to be. It leads me to think about other things such as is it a way for me to just blame something and run away? I don't know. I've been down this road many times, contemplating about various issues and just losing my mind in general. I really do wish I were more stronger (physically) and more manly.

"Friends"

It brings me to my next point. How much I can't stand the person who's most like me. We understand each other more than anyone else but I just can't stand who he is at times. I hate ignorant people and he is one of the people. He's so ignorant (deliberately) at times and it frustrates me so much. I especially hate how I call him my friend yet he is one of the last people that display "friend" characteristics. For example, I was in front of the year group trying to speak about something and I was getting harassed and he just stood back and watched. The person who I can wholly put my trust in however, stood up for me while he just acted as if nothing happened. I'm sure that event happened because he didn't want to speak up. Other times, I see people getting bullied but I can't stop them - not the way I want to though. He is taller than me (i'm short) and he's a lot stronger than me but he supposedly has these ideals where he helps the weak and as his faith "gives meaning to his life," he just stands there and laughs. He doesn't even bother after I ask him to help because I know I can't do some things where he can he doesn't do a goddamn thing. It's so frustrating that I doubt whether he's just being ignorant or it's just who he is.

Right now, what frustrates me about him is that we're doing a group assignment together. It frustrating me so much because on facebook it tells you if someone has seen the post or not. An hour after my post, I see that he has read it. The next day I check (13hours later), he still hasn't replied. I'm not the one who is supposed to organise this whole assignment. He has put in no input at all and when I confront the group about, one of the guys is a compulsive liar and says his laptop broke but he had the decency to reply. My "friend" however, reads the post and doesn't even reply, and he still hasn't. I'm really fed up with him and i'm might even help the teachers case in getting him kicked out of the class. I'm just not in the mood for things like this to happen and I will do my part and my part to the best of my ability, making sure that I get the marks that I deserve, even though I know that he has the potential to surpass me since english is more of his forte than mine.

It's almost midnight so I guess it wasn't too long ago that I posted something. I will make another post about my current dilemma however.

My 9/11: Depression, Stats, Recount

I've been feeling quite down today. I think I've cured my depression but it's difficult some times. I think of hurting myself but I know for a fact that I'm too scared to do that. I just want to run away from everything and start anew. I want to explore the world and make new friends, living life to its fullest. I guess it's my way of saying "fuck you, I'm having a terrible time because of you fuckers around me." Sometimes I feel so sick of the world. Or sometimes, I just hate everyone. I just want to be happy and i guess it's true to say that ignorance is bliss. With denial, you shine a light on a new world. A world without certain troubles but in all honesty, I don't think that will lead to any good. You can say that other troubles will arise and correctly so. I just don't want to think about it right now. I guess I need my "me" time.

I checked my stats and I reached over 100 views. 101 views to be exact. The thing is though, I still have not had one comment. It's not frustrating but I guess disappointing. It'd be nice to have someone comment. I've mentioned this before but I do want to connect to the people that read my posts, even if it's once. I get this feeling that something good will develop from this. On the other hand, I don't want people knowing who I am exactly. As in, I don't want the people that know me knowing about this. It really is just a space for my thoughts, mostly rants or a whole load of bullshit but still. I really do hope that no one every finds out about it. I'm extremely conscientious about.

My day was okay I guess. I didn't get enough sleep and going to study is not a good idea. I definitely need my rest in order to think properly. I had some interesting events change such as being unable to attend an event because I have to help hand out awards at a graduation dinner. Kind of sucks. I'll have to pay the money which she already paid though. 'farking hell.'

I'm feeling rather off my head right now. I've forced myself to write (when I have absolutely no wanting to write) because I had to. It's difficult forcing yourself to write when you know you need to. I do want be a better writer though. I think the english language is fabulous and that there is so much to learn.

I'm going to end here since I don't have any other thoughts to express. If I did, I'd be glad to post it and increase the length of this post.

Also, I would like to commemorate 9/11 today. Lest we forget. Rest in peace.

Stomach Bugs Create Cravings

I have almost eaten nothing in these last two days. My headache has gone but the stomach bug has really kicked in today. I don't remember how many times I've been to the toilet but I know it's been for than 15 times. Gross, I know.

What really kills me is how much i'm craving food right now. Last night we had guests over for a family and friends gathering, and there was so much good food. I could smell it from my room upstairs (coincidentally, it woke me up) and I just kept thinking how much I want to eat. Since I had not eaten anything that day, I had some fruit and a slice of cake but my main diet throughout the day consisted of diluted lemonade, which does actually help the internal system flush. Today however, I had some congee but that didn't really help either. I didn't drink much lemonade today nor did I take much medication. I think I should have stuck to the routine of every 4 hours. Which reminds me, I should take some now since I haven't taken any (all day, I can't remember).

All day I've been lazy. I decided not to go to tutoring (which was a good idea since I went to the toilet a few times during the time frame in which my classes were held). I've been glued onto my laptop all day, watching videos. I love (sarcastically) spending half my life on youtube, watching anime, or watching movies. I downloaded the Matrix recently and decided to finish off the trilogy. It's amazing that it was an Australia production (i think it was). I also downloaded Clannad, one of my favourite animes of all time. It's got such a good story line and you just fall in love with the characters. However, I don't think I should do an all nighter watching the two seasons which I just downloaded.

Tips For Downloading Online and Anime Lovers

DOWNLOADING ONLINE

Some tips when downloading stuff online:

• NEVER download .rar files (unless you know 100% that it's safe) because they often have viruses after you open them.
• CHECK out the comments on torrent sites before you download any torrent. They usually give you a general idea if what your downloading is the real deal or just a scam.
• If it's too good to be true, then it probably is too good to be true.
• CHECK the file size of what you're downloading. For example:
• An anime files (30 min video) is usually 100mbs+ depending on the quality
• Music videos (~ 4 min video) are usually around 50mbs+
• Most movie (~1 hour video) files are around 700mb+ with blu-ray and HD increasing that to 1gb+ even up to 3gb
• Music (.mp3, wmv, etc) are usually less than 10mbs. The most common size is 4mbs.

There are obviously more tips than that it's always good to be alert when you're surfing the internet.

ANIME LOVERS

If any of you do watch anime, I recommended using the following website:
1. www.nyaa.eu
downloading anime
This website is one the main websites that anime subbers use to upload their videos. It should be fairly intuitive with category specifying if it is subbed in english (or some other language) or if it is a raw video (no subs, directly off source e.g. television or DVD)
Note that it's best to check if the file you are downloading is actually in english subs. you can do so by using the next link.

2. www.myanimelist.net
information about anime (like a wikipedia page)
This website is fantastic for getting information about any anime there is. It includes reviews, synopsises, character list, voice actors, producer/director/etc and a whole lot more information. It's really handy as it also includes links to which group subbed (fansubbers) the anime. That's another way to download the anime, directly off the website (they usually link you to nyaa.eu or some other torrent hosting site).

Sickness is the Worstess

So you can tell from the title what this post will be about. I got sick from my cousin yesterday so I woke up at 5.30am this morning throwing up last nights dinner. Terrific. This morning my body seemed fine but as the day progressed, I felt more and more sick. I started getting a headache (or migraine?) and then my stomach felt really bad and when that happens, we all know what comes out instead of the usual. I haven't eaten much food all day. It was only recently that I actually felt well enough to eat. Earlier in the day the smell of food made me want to throw up. Now, I guess i'm a lot better since my stomach doesn't hurt as much as after taking quite a lot of panadol (2 tablets every 4 hours), my head doesn't hurt as much. My temperature was high earlier on until I had a shower. Both my ears over over 39 degrees celsius with the right eat at 39.5 degrees. I hope that I'm well enough to go to tutoring tomorrow since I need to revise some stuff before my exams. I think that my immune system was rather week with myself not getting enough sleep and putting a lot of pressure on myself during the course of my other exams. I should really work diligently throughout the year so that I don't have to put all this pressure on myself the day before the exams. I can't wait to get better.. It's such a drag being sick. Anyways, I hope you're all doing fine and I hope you have great weekend!

Lazy Post

I am currently in my examination "block" which is a period where I have all my tests one after another. It's been difficult since I have been procrastinating and cramming a subject every day. I have 5 exams (one for each day) this week so that means I have to cram for each the night before. Luckily I only have 3 next week so I don't have to go to school for the other days. It's been difficult for my body in particular since I have not been getting adequate sleep. I've been going to library every day after my examinations as I cannot study at home. Today will be an exception. I am feeling so exhausted since it's been a long week and I plan to just have a nap and do an all nighter when I get back home. I hope I actually do manage to cover most of the topics for my course and actually pass. The thing is, it's one of the those courses where I don't know if I will drop it or not next term (for year 12).

I'm actually bothered to post something today since i've done no study today. I'm at the library which means I should be studying but i'm too lazy.

Since I haven't gotten enough sleep, body is not in "top" shape. My eyes in particular are taking the toll since I do study on my laptop, staring at the screen reading or typing. I've gotten dark circles under my eyes but they're not puffy, like bags. I can't wait for the weekend since I will be able to sleep in and relax a bit. My routine will continue on monday where I'll be trying to study for math, which takes more time.

Exams and Cramming

This year has passed by so quickly (well i feel that's how i'm feeling). I wonder how I could have wasted so much time during class for me to have to cram everything I've done. So, for the next 5 consecutive days, I have my end of course exams and I need to cram everything I've done so far the night before each of them. My laziness has really led me no where and I'm taking the toll for it right now. Since it is the first exam, I should do fine (i think/i hope). I'm unsure about the rest of the exams since there is much more content and much less time. If only the weekends lasted longer!

Since I had tutoring today, it limited the time I had to study/cram this year's content and practice questions. Luckily, they've given me the extended response question which makes the exam much, much more simple. i studied at the internet cafe and after tutoring, at the state library. I got quite a lot of work done in the time I had (about 4 hours). I also did a bit of study on the train and bus but that's when I got a headache when I was doing it on the train. I took 2 tablets which has helped but I also feel like throwing up now. It totally sucks but I hope to finish studying tonight, including practising some questions.

I hope you all have a great fathers' day and enjoy the week ahead of you!

Late Nights, I Want A New Phone

Today was an okay day. I woke up on time (sort of) for my early morning class and the rest of the day was a bludge. There was a fathers' day mass at school which was good since I later got to catch up with some friends I haven't seen in a while. Last period was SOR where I did nothing. The teacher should really control the class since I believe she has the potential to be a great teacher, like many of the teachers at my school. For sport, I was extremely active. I went to chess and just watched video clips from youtube, listened to music, and got addicted to bloons tower again. I'm currently playing bloons tower 4 and i should get some sleep. My sleeping pattern is so bad right now. I've been sleeping at 2am every night (or morning) and that means I get exhausted throughout the day at school. Tonight, I wasn't expecting to stay up this late (1.23am) since I started playing at 10pm. I thought I would finish by midnight but I got too hooked on. Tomorrow the school has a walk a thon and it'll be a great end to the week since I will be going to UNSW open day on saturday. I can't wait since UTS has an awesome open day. I also have tutoring this weekend which sucks since I don't want to tell them my results.. they're horrible!

Onto another issue, I want a new phone. My current phone, a nokia e5 is becoming quite outdated since I really do depend on the internet as my life (not really). When I bought an iphone 4s, it was amazing and I was really hooked with the idea that I could plan my life out on there (thoughts, ideas, events, etc). The thing is, I had it for a month and I lost it. It's so sad but since I had insurance, they covered the price of it. How it worked is that they find a price (usually a price between the original price and market price, as in from ebay, etc) and they minus $200 from that price which is the money I get back. I received $700 since the price for them was $900. It was awesome in that sense that I paid $720 for the iphone at the time. I'm waiting for the lasted iphone to come out since it should be amazing! According to rumors, it should be called the iphone 5 and will have a longer (or taller) screen since making it 4inches, not the current 3.5inch. However, as it is only a rumor we can only hope that they do increase the screen size. I have thought about getting a samsung, the s3, but i don't know since I do have a mac and the apple software is much more simple and easy to use. The samsung software however, requires me to adapt and learn how the samsung ecosystem works, which totally sucks. I will wait until the next iphone comes out before I make my decision. It may not be until christmas that I get my next phone since I know prices will drop after christmas since there will be unwanted gifts and the fact that many new phones SHOULD be released then.

I hope you all have a great sleep and a wonderful day tomorrow. If you want, please comment since I haven't had my first comment yet!

Moving On

I've been in the pits for the past day or two. I just feel so alone right now. I wish I could just have the one person who I can tell everything to, even the dark stuff. The harassment that I get from school isn't bad but it's horrible when you're the captain (yes, I got school captain) and you have no support. To be technical, I do have support but it's not the type that I can wholly rely on. I had a really long and personal (deep and meaning in other words) talk with my friend about the reason he did not get captain. The school did tell him that it was because of his faith and that just makes me getting my role as captain so insignificant. I really want to just pick up my game and do my best but i'm finding it so difficult to concentrate on anything. My thoughts are elsewhere and I do hope it motivates me to study and do my best in all I do. My first primary school motto, Aim High, has stuck with me over the years. I hope I do the best I can in life. I want to achieve to much, I want to be so many things, and there is so much I want to do. It has been a while since I've been happy for a period of time (longer than that brief moment of happiness) and truthfully so, I've been so lost. Maybe it was because I lost direction in life. Maybe not. I need to have some goals for the future or else I might go back to my dark, sinister self. I sort of cried today. I think I just needed to let my emotions out. It's so difficult to put up my facade when all I can think about is myself. I need this self-affirmation, this self-satisfaction, this.. sense of an increase in self esteem and confidence. One day in the future, I want to look back on these times and say how much I've grown since then. I need to stop being lazy and push myself to excel. I don't think i'm going into my emotional state since I am now stronger than I was before. It's 9.14pm (AEST) right now so goodnight to you all.

Good Time

A Whole Load of Everything

That song by Owl City and Carly Ray Jepsen is actually addictive. I've always loved Owl's sound, especially how he's always true to himself. I felt that the song sort of summed up how i'm feeling today, especially since I had some really good news but also, my mindset and feelings have changed. Times are always changing as change is inevitable. My sayings that really stick with me are:

Change is a constant in life.
There is no such thing as coincidence, only the inevitable.
Everything we do has a meaning, may it be big or small.
Life gets better.
There is always hope, but it tends not to come the way we expect.

And some other mumbo-jumbo.

Right now i'm feeling so defeated, even though I won. I just feel like I won't ever be able to do anything or achieve anything, unless someone is spoon feeding me. It do wish I had my naive mindset but maybe it's a time of maturity. I've come to accept the truth and not fight it. As a person in this consumerist and materialistic society, I've always been understanding. The thing is, it often meant that I'm not accepting and quite stubborn, another trait which I don't particularly dislike. I really don't feel like I want to change, or can change, but some where deep inside my heart is telling me that I want to achieve, I want to be successful, I want to be the best I can be. It's such a long and difficult track, not for me but for everyone else as well. In some way or another, we experience pain, suffering, joy, love, fulfillment - aspects of what we can label the 'human condition.' Life is so beauty yet there is this darkness in there. I believe that it's impossible for everything to be pure and perfect, yet some people believe it is so because we can't change anything because it was meant to be. Ignorance is a tool that some use or subconsciously use to fool and blind themselves from the truth. They take the meanings literally or figuratively making it difficult to fully understand and control them.

I feel like i've just been rambling on but my head (thoughts) is/are in such a mess right now.

Blog Views

Back to what I planned to write about. I actually do care about my blog views. Every time I log into blogger and check my views, I see that I have so little. I do want more views but I guess I'm not actually promoting my blog and some of the content is highly controversial in the sense that it could definitely spark a debate. I don't think I'll have my time to blog in the future but I guess this is my space for all my thoughts.

I don't know what else to write so I guess it's time to say goodnight and goodbye.

Update 1: I also wanted to mention that you should definitely leave comments. I really want to talk to the people who read my blog, even if I barely have any at all.

It Hates Me

I was working on my assignment since my last post. I felt really productive and i did quite a lot. The thing is, it's such a long assignment that i'm close to half way. There's so much research to be done and I can't believe I haven't finished my first draft. *inserts carly ray jepsen - call me maybe: THIS IS CRAAAAZY*

I stopped about 15 minutes ago since the library was about to close. I would have stayed longer if it didn't close at 5pm. I'm currently at the internet cafe now.. which i shouldn't be. I hope that i do finish it tonight, editing included. I'm not sure if i'll be able to send it to my teacher but i guess she can check it tomorrow.

I'm really hungry since i don't have money. I stopped working and recently i've started eating less, not eating healthily. I guess ever since i got sick and lost weight, i wanted to stay that way. I use to binge on fatty foods often but now I don't, except on nights that I do all-nighters.

It's 5.34pm now, time to go back home.

The World Spins Round and Round

Today I am at the State Library of NSW which is a fantastic place to study and relax. I really enjoy coming here since there it feels so tranquil and so wonderful. Right now, I am working on my assignment which is due tomorrow. I have asked one of my teachers if they were willing to proof read it before I handed it in tomorrow and she agreed, thankfully. Coffee does not mesh well with me in the mornings but I really do hope I can finish a draft soon so I can send it to her. I really do appreciate her help as my current teacher is quite lazy. I guess I am trying to make a stance by saying that I don't need her help and I can achieve a good result in comparison to the people that have asked her for her help. This really applies to my friend as we both completed a draft our last assessment (we were given the question in advance) in the morning of the exam and he did extremely well. I got 16/20 where as he got 19/20. It's quite funny as both of us have the same differences with my current teacher.

I should get back to finishing my assessment now. I just wanted to let you know what's happening today as well as the fact that I felt really light-headed just before I decided to write this post. I hope you all have a wonderful as I am too.

Also, right now it's good afternoon! (11.43am, AEST).

Not Blogging Results In A Recap

I have posted anything in 3 days. I guess it has been a busy week with the leaders for my school's SRC being chosen. I have received more english assessments which totally sucks since I have 4 in total coming up.

UTS OPEN DAY!

Today I went the the open day for UTS (university of technology sydney) which was really informative. I actually understand now how some of the basics of university and I am grateful for the tour guide who explained it all to me. There was free food and other goodies that encouraged a lot of people to go but also, the lectures were actually interesting and informative but I am still yet to make some sort of decision about what university I will be going to. I have not even decided which career path or course I want to do but I hope that in time, I will be able to make that decision.

Why Hello There

The past school week was interesting. The guy I was crushing on before has come back to school for a day but he's been away for the 2 days after. It's not good that he's only at school for 1/5 days since the government say that if you're away for 10 days unannounced, they are supposed to kick you out of the school. Good for him though.

Excuses Are For Children

I have an assignment due on monday for business studies which requires a lot of research, in particular, time. I'm sure I'll do well since I am basing it off a past assessment which makes a few things easier. To be honest, my teacher for that subject is not good at all. She's better than the other teacher but that still does not explain the reasons for why I would label her a bad teacher. To rant, she is often late for class and expects us to wait in line for her, even if she's late for up to 40 minutes. She is a year coordinator but she can't expect us to take that into consideration if she cannot take our circumstances into consideration. It's about giving and taking. There has to be a balance and this is where karma comes in. Other things is that she is behind with what she's supposed to teach. Although the assignment is due on monday, she is yet to teach us the content for it. A few lessons ago she made us summarise 1/13 chapters of the book in one night because we were behind. She gave our detentions and warnings yet she can't even mark an assessment which was given to her 8 weeks ago. Fine, there were 40 or so to mark but that just shows how unorganised she is by making those excuses.

I Am Your Leader

I can't wait for the results of the leadership to be announced since my intuition is telling me that I got school captain, not vice. Though, there is some doubt where I feel that I may not have gotten the role. I guess all my aspirations, hope and dedication will be thrown down the drain if that happened. If I was vice, i'd just let the captain do what he wants, not pushing for anything of my own. In all truth, I have put the effort in since I was younger by taking the initiatives for a lot of events at school. It may seem like i'm bragging but I definitely made the school's reputation a lot better. I organised many fundraisers for my school, I started different school initiatives such as a leadership group and also introducing an environmental group. In comparison to my "enemy," I did a lot of the "backbone" work where he only contributed by helping me. There reasons that I think that he might get the role over me is that he has more support from the students. Ever since an initiative that I took control of was ruined by a few students who wanted to do things their way, I was the obvious choice to get the role. I really do hope that I get it.

My Excuse

I really should be posting daily but my excuse is that for the past 2/3 days, my brain has felt utterly used up by the time I got home. I then just napped which didn't anything to help. I really wish I was more organised so that I'd be able to achieve much more. Time is short and opportunities are wasted if you do nothing. I need to actually complete my assignment since I've only done 1/4 of it so far. I'm at 1000 words but I don't think I will exceed 4000 since some aspects of it are mainly tables and diagrams (finance/marketing).

Today, I Love Sia, Is Life Procrastination

Expectations

I have been so lazy this year. I've always left my assessments until the last minute and I wonder why I'm not getting the marks that I used. I keep blaming myself as well as my peers and teachers but it comes down to myself. An assignment is due tomorrow and I have yet to start it.

I expect so much more out of myself, and I believe others do too. I really want to just work do what I have to do and get it over and done with. My marks in the past were extremely good: I was placing 2nd/3rd each year. Maybe because I was conceited or cocky, but I honestly did not put in the effort. If I did, I believe that I would have done so much better.

In Australia, each subject is worth units with most worth 2 units where the extension subjects are worth 1 unit. In year 11, we have to have a combined minimum of 12 units and in year 12, we only need 10 to be applicable fo an atar. I currently have 13 and am thinking of picking up an extension and then dropping to 10 units. This has been on my mind all year and I am yet to make a decision. I'm really indecisive you see. The typical question that pops up in my head right now is why can't life be easier. I could get into a debate in my head if I wanted to...

Music: David Guetta feat. Sia - She Wolf (Falling to Pieces)

I am honestly in love with Sia's music. My friend reintroduced me to her 2 years ago and when Titanium was released, I fell in love with her even more. Unlike many "pop" artists, when she's live, she sounds just like the record, not some autotune version of it. Honestly speaking, I don't mind that some artists can't sing their song live. It would be better if they could but I'm just happy they're doing what they love, and releasing "good" music (to my tastes).

Sia's latest song as you can see from the heading, is another smash. It is similar to titanium in the sense that it's got the awesome beat by Guetta and the perfect vocals by Sia. I will put the link below but I honestly love that this isn't a mainstream song about drinking/partying/drugs with little or no meaning. I don't want to think about it right now but I can tell that there's some meaning behind this song; it's written by Sia!

I hope they continue to collaborate on more songs together because they are a perfect combination; Guetta's addictive beats and Sia's perfect vocals.

Here's the link which you can stream the song online. You can buy it too but I would buying it from iTunes if it is out.

http://www.themusicninja.com/electro-house-david-guetta-ft-sia-she-wolf-falling-to-pieces/

Today, not tonight

Life-Hook

Today, I have my deep and meaningful with my closest friend. I love how I can tell him everything. I don't know what I'd do without him. For me, it's people like him that help me want to keep living. I was in the slumps and each time he gives me advice and gets me out of there. He's truly an amazing person.

Math

Today was one of those math-controlled days. I had a math exam this morning and I know that I failed. Since it's an extension, it's expected that the class average is around 40-50% since the exams are extremely difficult, possibly harder than the HSC. I just hope i'm not in the bottom percentage where letters are sent home. I honestly did not study for the exam since I was too lazy and tired yesterday.

NTS: I need to pick up my game. Prioritise = Success. (maybe not?)

Assessments = Procrastination = All-nighters

I going to have a nap now since I have an assessment due tomorrow. I hope that I will be able to do an all-nighter and finish my assessment. I will have to start and finish overnight so this nap/half-sleep (4 hours) will hopefully be able to keep me up.

Hopes and aspirations are a fancy way of saying "what is your plan"

If i'm bothered, I'm thinking of being more organised with my posts. I am currently experimenting on a format I will try to stick with for my posts but I don't have to. I know the reason I started this blog was to just express my thoughts but I want this blog to be successful and people, I believe, like stability and like to know. Once all my exams are over, which is in 4 weeks, I will have something planned. I know it's a month away but I hope that I will be regularly posting new posts.

NTS: make a technology post. (I don't think I will be reading over my past posts for a while...)

Scum and Everyday Stuff

Harassment by a pig

There is this one fat, ugly scum at my school who, because he smokes and is larger than me, thinks he can harass me. My intuition is telling me to stand up for myself but I can't since I know that he would probably bash me, or worse, call him cousins/friends to bash me. It's really frustrating and it's people like him that make me hate my school. It's changing my view of my school - I consider a majority of the people at my school scum (scumbags, whatever you want to call them). I just hope that it stops. He's been trying to go overseas, which I can't wait to happen, but he can't due to some issues that I don't know. He's also supposed to be leaving school (dropping out) but he can't for some reason or another. I'd probably celebrate if it ever happened.

One thing i'm sure of is that I know that I'll at least have one friend who'd stand by me, even though we aren't as close. My other friend, who I'm fairly close to since we have similar interests and tastes, wouldn't do the same. I've given up finding out why. I don't think it's worth out. I guess that shows the kind of friendships I have. I am the clingy type so I guess whatever goes, goes.

What happened today...

I woke up early today and got a haircut. I really liked it since it makes my head look less round (like a tomato) and the styling was good too. I just had a shower and it looks completely different. I need to learn to style my own hair or else I won't be cool (JOKES).

After my haircut I went to a local internet cafe (yes, maybe I should live in one) and I overstayed meaning that I was late for tutoring. That totally sucked since it meant that I wouldn't be able to stay out late when I get to the city, which happened. I just missed the early (usual) train to the city so I had to wait half an hour. I did some revision while waiting and also on the train. As usual, I felt a bit light-headed and couldn't think very well (fast).

Once I got to the city, I bought some sushi (beef teriyaki and ebi prawn) and a 1.5L of coke. I made my way to the internet cafe and stayed for a while, not as much as I liked to. It was.. relaxing.

I went home via train which arrived on time and I caught the bus shortly after I got off at my stop. It usually takes about 5-20 mins for the buses to arrive but luckily it came in 2 mins. It was just my luck. When I arrived home, I had leftover sausage sizzle from breakfast so that was dinner. My parents were out with my aunty for dinner so I asked them to buy me deep fried pork chops with curry and rice from a nice and cheap japanese restaurant we often go to. You can probably tell I love japanese food. What I love the most though is Italian food.

NTS: write a post about Italian food.

Infatuation and Age

I've been trying to sleep but I just can't at this moment. There have been so really attractive guys at my school and I can't stop thinking about them.

A while ago one moved to my school from another state and I was so infatuated with him. I was stalking his photos, posts and friends. I used to check his facebook out every day. It stopped when I realised the type of person he was. We never talked so it didn't really affect the relationship we didn't have. The realisation occurred when I found out he livestreamed with an aspiring singer-friend of his. He received a lot of attention due to his looks but when i watched the replay of the livesteam, I just felt disgust towards him. He was the typical womaniser who are the type of jerks I can't help but dislike. I used to be like hin so I guess it just made me dislike him even more.

That episode was over and recently, a younger guy approached me. I was putting up my facade and as I walked past him, he was licking his big red lips. It was really hot. I walked on however, with my emotion-less face and the day ended as usual. A few days later I was waiting in line for my teacher to come to class. Whilst I was waiting, I was playing cards with my friends and he came over and whispered in my ear what cards my friend had. His friends did the same thing but it didn't help since they told me useless cards. It kind of made my day since I think it's the first time anyone has ever whispered so closely in my ear.

However, there are a few concerns. Firstly, we're both guys and I don't even know his stance against homosexuals. Secondly, he's 3 grades younger than me making him around 14. He's rather mature looking though. Finally, he doesn't even know my name or who I am. It just makes it worse.

I know it's not love since i'm only deeply infatuated with him. He's probably classified as a "mcDreamy" and I would be the typical infatuated one, even though i'm older.

I guess I could write about my delusions here. It's a head-ups by the way so be warned!!

Public Transport, Dinner and Daily Routines

Studying = Headaches

I caught the train home from the internet cafe and decided to do some math problems (You see, I have a math exam on monday) which was not the best idea. After doing 7 basic questions, my head started hurting. It often occurs whilst I'm travelling. I can't read books in the car yet I can on the train. My head felt so foggy and when I got home I did absolutely no study.

Dinner = Vomit

We went out for dinner a bit after and I ate quite a lot. Adding dessert to that wasn't a good idea. I went to the washroom to wash my hands (at times, i'm quite the clean freak) and maybe it was the putrid urinal smell or the like but I slightly threw up the banana frittata. That reminded me of this morning where after I brushed my teeth, I started regurgitating but since I hadn't eaten yet, all that came out was saliva. I was recently sick and I think my body wasn't used to me eating so much. I lost some weight which is good (i'm been gorging on fatty foods since I had exams) and everything just seemed to connect.

Last words...

I guess I should be going to sleep now. I need to wake up early and get a haircut tomorrow. I've also got tutoring on so it's going to be an exciting day. I honestly do not know what style to get my hair cut. I often just tell them to shorten it but I guess I want a new style.

It's 11.17pm in Australia right now so I will be going to bed now. I hope you all have a great sleep, especially if it's raining where you are. I will post more tomorrow!

Leadership

Good evening from Australia.

I was hoping to post something earlier but since i'm only using a nokia E5, blogger via mobile isn't working for me.

Today i should be studying for my math exam on monday as well as preparing for my speech for a role in the SRC but I am currently out at an internet cafe playing LOL (League of Legends).

I am not excited since I have preliminary/end of course exams coming up since that means that I will be starting my final year of high school next term.

Leadership

What makes a good leader? Who is a leader?

We can say that a leader is this and that but really, what defines a leader? In business studies, we learnt that a leader motivates, leads, inspires and communicates.But is that all there really is to it? I guess that those four words branch off into different aspects of a leader but one thing for me is that a leader stands up for what they believe in. This makes everyone of us leaders in some way or another.

Leadership is a quality that is often difficult to obtain. I think it's something that we develop over time through our experiences may they be good or bad. Ever since I was younger, I would always like to take the lead. This may have been my ego but I enjoyed being the centre of attention. In a way, this developed my leadership skills and today, I still like to be the centre of attention, only when I'm around my friends.

In more recent times, I've been rather anti-social and disliked being around so many people with prying eyes. It's different in comparison to my younger days when I would ignore what people thought about me and I just didn't have a care in the world. This was when I realised that those that I thought were my friends were actually just selfish, attention-seeking low lives. Eventually, this developed into a disgust I had for those around me. I'm quite attentive to detail and this just made trust a bigger issue for me than it already was. I started calling everyone "scum" and "filth," degrading and dehumanising them in the way they were perceived in my eyes.

This is where I am at today. I am at a crossroad but I know what the right thing is. I just don't want to choose that option. But although that is currently an aspect of my life, I still have the "goodness" inside of me that yearns to do right, correcting all the wrong in the world. It might just be my the ambition of my younger self where I wanted to be some superhero and help all the people in the world. This has changed now. I am currently quite materialistic and a consumerist. Life as it know it is flashing by and I am just sitting back and delving in my past, present and future.

I've ranted on for quite a while and these thoughts aren't that edited, well, I haven't edited anything at all. I hope you are all enjoying your weekend, and like me, yearning for those answers which you seek, yet you don't know what you really want. I hope that I have given some sort of insight into my thoughts today and I might post something later tonight.

NTS (note to self): I'm not sure if anyone is reading this or not but I guess this is my space where I can just throw out my thoughts. If you have any questions, please comment and I will try to reply ASAP.

Introduction to Styvich Thoughts

Hi everyone,

It's my first post and I hope that I will be constantly updating this blog with my spontaneous thoughts.

Just a heads up that Allen Styvich is a pen name but i'm not much of a writer - I will try though.

About me...

I'm not going to go into the specifics about me but you could say i'm one of those cliche guys who don't know who they are. You could say i've been through a lot with my depression but more recently, the questioning of my sexuality. I really do want to be "normal" but i guess that's how life is. We are always in constant search for answers, desiring what cannot be obtained. However, this was not the cause of my depression yet it had an effect on it.

Onto the more simple things:

• I live in sydney, Australia.
• I'm still in high school (u18)
• I'm very opinionated - rude at times if you will
• I watch japanese anime/read japanese manga
• I enjoy reading "good" books
• I hate people who have a big ego (even though i may have a bigger one if i say so myself)
• I love rainy days, hate the HOT sunny days (i'm a warm person, temperature wise)
• I listen to mainstream music
• I wear glasses (and i'm of asian descent: chinese)
• I love italian food
• I want to become rich and successful in the future (don't we all)

Conclusion

That just about summarises me in a few lines. I will keep updating this blog, even if it's unorganised and boring. In sydney right now it's almost 2 in the morning (1:42am). So i say to anyone that may/may not be reading this, good night and good morning.